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“Go introduce yourself. You’ve got nothing to be afraid of.”
It’s innocent advice, but you grimace inside. Yes, there is something to be afraid of. You’ll look stupid. Worse, you’ll know you look stupid, and you’ll spend the next four hours thinking about what you’ve should’ve said and how you should’ve acted.
You know because you’re an introvert. You also know that the smiling, well-meaning person telling you to “Go introduce yourself” is an extrovert. They couldn’t possibly understand.
Or so you think.
How do I know? Because that’s exactly what I used to think. Seven years ago, I was a pimple-faced game designer with a laundry list of reasons for why I didn’t need other people. Then I tried to start a company. Facing $20,000 a month in expenses and no revenue, I realized I was never going to make a sale without getting to know someone first.
So I burned my list of reasons. Unfortunately for my company, I didn’t do it in time and everything fell apart. Fortunately for me though, it set me on a seven-year quest to become a master networker. I’ll not lie and say I’ve never been afraid again, but I have developed a collection of techniques for calming myself.
Let me share them with you.
Stop the Mental Role-Playing
Part of the definition of being an introvert is having a “rich internal world.” You’ve got a lot of stuff going on inside your head, and one of your favorite things to do is role-play. You imagine what’s going to happen, what you’re going to do, and how it’s going to pan out. With complicated tasks, it actually helps you do things better because you’ve already done them so many times in your head.
It’s invaluable skill, but don’t delude yourself into thinking it helps with everything.
When you’re imagining meeting someone and you’re terrified of it, then every time you imagine it, you just get more terrified. It’s a never-ending pattern of imagining, getting scared, imagining more, and getting more scared. You need to break the pattern and think about something else.
Refocus Your Attention
Logically, the only way to be worried about meeting someone or speaking in public is to be focused on yourself, at least subconsciously. You’re thinking about how you look, what you’ll say, how you’ll act, the way you’ll respond, and so on. The problem is, focusing on yourself will make you self-conscious and act even more awkward.
So think about something else.
Listen to music. Read a book. Talk to someone about something else. Do anything but sit around thinking. If you’re successful, you’ll subconsciously forget about what you’re about to do and start relaxing. In the minutes leading up to a meeting or presentation, this can be essential. You’ll come off as much more natural and confident.
Accept Your Imperfection
Stop for a moment and analyze your expectations. Are you expecting perfection? If you are, then you’re going to experience what’s called cognitive dissonance: anxiety resulting from disparity between your expectations and reality. In plain English, that means you’re kidding yourself.
The only solution is to align your expectations as closely to reality as possible. If you’re nervous, you’re probably going to act nervous. If you say the wrong thing under pressure, then you’ll probably say the wrong thing. If you’re awkward when speaking in public, then you’ll probably look awkward when you’re giving your speech.
Accept it. It’s counterintuitive, but you’ll probably begin to feel better and look noticeably more confident to everyone else.
Practice Self-Disclosure
The biggest mistake a lot of introverts make is to try and hide their nervousness. They think they’ll be able to fool everyone into thinking they are calm and collected, but it usually comes off as fake and makes everyone even more uncomfortable.
A better solution is to admit your nervousness upfront. Some communication teachers will tell you that this is a mistake, that you should never begin a relationship with an apology. But they’re wrong. You should always begin with authenticity, and if that means admitting your faults, then so be it.
Besides, it’s endearing. Usually, the other person will go out of their way to make you more comfortable, and you’ll have a much smoother conversation.
Realize You’re Not Alone
After speaking at a seminar, it’s common for someone to invite me out for lunch or dinner. What shocked me is the first time this happened, it was a man and his wife that were at least 10 years older than me, and the guy said, “Forgive me if I act nervous, but I’m a little intimidated.”
I just laughed. Intimidated of me? It never occurred to me that other people were probably just as nervous as I was, and that could give us something in common. It’s probably the same for you. Realize that nervousness in social situations affects millions and millions of people, and there’s no reason to beat yourself up over it.
In fact, stop thinking of yourself as an introvert at all. Regardless of whether it’s true or not, it will create a mental barrier between you and everyone else, which only makes it harder to get to know people.
If you have to choose a label, just call yourself, “Human.” By extension, introducing yourself to another human shouldn’t be a big deal. You’re essentially the same. So maybe, just maybe the “extrovert” that told you, “You’ve got nothing to be afraid of,” wasn’t so wrong after all.
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November 30th, 2007 at 11:54 am
While logical suggestions do you have any insight on how long they would take to implement? It is simple to say, “Stop the Mental” role playing. However doesn’t that lead to a person imaging themselves playing a role of a person that doesn’t do mental role playing?
Defining the problem and telling someone where the land is isn’t an oar, boat, or even a life jacket when their in deep water of their fears and insecurities.
I’m curious if you have used any of your suggestions and tested them with people and gotten effected results? Or are your readers the test subjects?
Did you do these things and if so how long did it take you? You might also include your personal motivation because without that people will be void of action.
Gary
November 30th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Jon, fear is definitely an issue. I’m an introvert. At the same time, I know many extroverts who suffer the same fears you mention. One sentence in particular caught my eye though:
“You imagine what’s going to happen, what you’re going to do, and how it’s going to pan out. ”
Yup, I do that all the time. Problem is, when we imagine what’s going to happen, the scenario is limited to our current knowledge and our past experiences.
I stumbled upon my cure for mental role playing by accident. Skydiving!
There’s NO WAY anyone can imagine what what it feels like or what can happen when jumping out of an airplane.
My fear was so intense as I jumped that my mind shut down for 2-3 seconds. After that, I was in ecstasy. I’ve jumped several more times since then.
From that point on, any time I gave a speech or presentation I said to myself, “I jumped out of an airplane at 15,000 feet, traveling @ 120mph - compared to that, this speech is is a piece of cake.”
People can change. Is it scary? Yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely.
betaBonnie
November 30th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
Nice analysis of a very difficult problem for those of us who experience it. I’m a musician (guitarist) and I’ve wrestled with performance anxiety my entire life. It is even worse for me when I’m required to sing for a solo performance. Getting a grip on the unrealistic expectations, as you mention, is critical to getting past the anxiety. What amazes me is that, while I am gripped in fear in the moments leading up to a performance (and the fear translates into tightness that affects my initial performance) I find that within seconds I can put it behind me and focus on the material and its expression to the point that I can defeat the anxiety and slowly remove it from the equation. Audiences always tell me that I don’t appear to be afraid of anything, but it’s so intense that I can’t believe they don’t smell it! Over the years I’ve developed the practice of praying in the minutes before a performance, as it allows me to take my mind off the developing anxiety, and allows my psyche to realize there’s things much more important than myself and my performance, putting the whole situation in perspective within my mind and actually reducing the anxiety and fear levels. Experience never eliminates the fears (for me), but it does allow me to rationalize the unrational fear into a box where I can almost convince myself that it’s silly to nurture.
November 30th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
I suspect that an unusually high percentage of freelancers are introverts, compared to the wider population, because it is an advantage when it comes to working all alone, far from the coffee-break crowd… or at least, it can be, right up to the point where we have to swop the bunny slippers for polished pumps and totter out blinking into the daylight for a client meeting…
I think you’re right on the button with your advice here:- the two things that have worked best for me over the years are to focus on the other person, and (where appropriate) admit right upfront that I’m extremely shy. Oh, and I promise myself some lovely longed-for reward every time I manage to successfully break down another of the Walls That Introversion Built… just basic ‘behaviour modification’ techniques, picked up in Psych 101. Hey, it works for training dogs…
November 30th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
@betaBonnie: Yeah, I bet that’s amazing. I’d like to try it sometime. Have you ever seen the movie Fearless with Jeff Bridges? He survives a plane crash and is unable to feel fear afterwards. Similar to what you’re talking about.
@Scott B.: Thanks for sharing. I feel the same way with public speaking. I’m nervous until I get up there, and then it just melts away as I concentrate on the material and adapting to the reactions of the audience.
@Jen: You’re probably right. I work from home, and for the most part, I’m fine with it. The trick is, you still have to network, even if you’re working from home. Otherwise, your freelance business can stagnate.
November 30th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
I joined a Rotary Club and that worked for me.
November 30th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
I am definitely an introvert which by the way also makes me a good listener which comes in handy in my line of work. There’s a really good book related to this topic that I can recommend. It’s easy to understand and anyone can complete the exercises. It’s called The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne, Ph.D. I hope to write about this topic soon and would like to refer to your blog. I also find meditation quite helpful in managing anxiety.
I have great admiration for the airplane jumper. Guess you wouldn’t be afraid of anything after that! Yikes. .
November 30th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
I certainly saw myself in a lot of that. What’s funny is my day job involves teaching software for a private company, which you would think would be an introvert’s nightmare, but I do very well at it.
Overcoming fear and discomfort is something that can be practiced, I’ve discovered. In my freelance work as a blog consultant, networking with others and getting the guts to initiate the relationship and maintain it has helped me more than anything else.
Thanks for another great post, Jon.
(Stumbled!)
December 1st, 2007 at 12:41 am
Did you just described me? I was facing the exact same scenario last week attending an alumni networking seminar.
But it wasn’t so much of fear that kept me from approaching me but rather the mindset that “What’s in for me?”. It was a group of accountants and auditors in the bunch and I certainly don’t see any correlation in whatever I’m doing now versus what they’re in. I’ve long abandon the financial sector for something that’s more “enriching” per say. Haha.
But I’ve to admit this is largely my personal opinion though. The theory that the world is round and “you’ll never know unless you try” still stands.
Btw, did I tell you I loved your writing style? Keep up the neat work!
Cheers,
Ellesse
December 1st, 2007 at 5:27 am
This post sounds like it was written for my business partner. I’m the front man, the schmoozer and the extrovert. He’s the invisible behind-the-scenes guy who is terrified of everything. I’ve often sat there and told him, “Just do it,” and then scratched my head when he can’t.
But I’m guilty of one thing - I’m a perfectionist. The few times Harry’s gone out on a limb and taken initiative to interact with others, I came in from left field and dressed him down because I would’ve said this, or done that, or what he’d said wasn’t correct… Basically, I blew him out of the water for doing exactly what I would’ve liked him to do in the first place.
I’ve learned. Or I’m learning, rather. Harry takes steps out into the world now, and I let him. This post is perfect for him and I’ll pass it along.
@ Jen - I can honestly say that each team member who works for me has at one point said, “I work for you because I don’t have to talk to anyone. You do it for me.” The number of freelancers who are scared to death of clients is amazing.
The number of freelancers who are extroverts really don’t end up getting much work done, I think
December 1st, 2007 at 7:34 am
Jon,
I loved your story about the older man who was intimidated by you.
A great reminder that “the other guy” has all kinds of inner chatter going on too.
Have you ever taken Myers-Briggs? During the years I was crazy-busy in the corporate world, my results showed me to be an extrovert.
Now that I’m working from home again, I’m back to my normal, happily Introverted self.
Cheers,
Sheila
December 1st, 2007 at 8:49 am
@Ellesse: Thanks for the compliment on my writing. I work hard at it.
@James: Send him over! This post is actually kicking off an entire series on networking, so both you and he might get a lot of it.
@Sheila: I took a Myers-Briggs test during my freshman year in college, but I honestly can’t remember what it said. Either way, I’m pretty happy with who I am. Sounds like you are too.
December 2nd, 2007 at 12:55 am
Jon, well deserved compliment for your hard work!
December 2nd, 2007 at 5:24 am
I will start with a little off topic. I am a student and term ‘blog and blogging’ I encountered few weeks ago, so I am total newbie to this stuff. I found your blog accidentally - I started with one friend a project in blogs and he gave me places where to look for useful tips, information how to do better blogging and so on. So here I am
I read your post and it gave me thoughts. For now as a student I am in quite hard situation - I study Power Industry but now I found out that it’s not what I want to do. Accidental encounter with software called 3D Studio Max has totally changed everything in me. I finaly found that it’s what I want and what amazes me - 3D Computer Animations. I dedicated myself so
deep to learning all necessary stuff to create own small 3D animation that there started to occur serious problems with university. Few people make pressure on me (and that’s where connection with this blog starts) - give it up, there’s no way you can present yourself in this field, there’s already enough people who can do this better and so on and
so on. For now I was so certain about myself and that I am on a right way that all these nay sayings just pass away my ears. All the time I think how I will present myself when the real moment comes. I realized that in my situation new connections are needed.
And I realized not just on words but on myself that I also have to change many aspects of myself, my attitude towards many things, stereo tips and other people out there.
Thanks for post. Somehow it clearly draw me some picture which I intuitively felt myself.
December 2nd, 2007 at 5:42 am
@ Intars - If I listened to everyone who put me down and told me not to do something, I would have locked myself in my bedroom and avoided doing anything. I fought heavy, strong criticism from midway through high school to today, and I’m still fighting. If I didn’t do what I felt was right for me, I’d never be where I am now, nor would I be working towards the future. Sometimes it’s better to be the black sheep; it ain’t so bad
December 2nd, 2007 at 8:43 am
[…] guy knows how to address introversion. December 2, 2007 I stumbled upon this post by a blogger who writes about the best ways to make money. He’s got a set of rules that an […]
December 2nd, 2007 at 11:38 am
Sunday Fun: PC or Mac? Which are you?
You gotta love the Apple commercials where the Mac guy take stabs at Mr. PC. They’re simple, humorous and effective. Trouble is, no matter how much I want to be Mac guy, that’s just not who I am. I mean,
December 5th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
I’ve just visited after reading your 20-something post on Brazen Careerist. Great ideas. I am a lifelong introvert and have slowly but surely come out of my shell over the last several years. What I find is hardest is just getting started with talking to people. Once I do, I’m fine.
I was discussing this very topic with my boyfriend last night–how my shyness can come off as coldness to others and it hinders my networking. He said, for example, if I’m in a class with people and I want to connect with the teacher and other students, just think how I am in the same boat as the other students and am interested in learning the same things. That takes a ton of pressure off of me.
Your thoughts on going beyond extrovert vs. introvert to just embracing your humanness is a great way to reframe the whole situation.
December 9th, 2007 at 8:44 am
@Gary - regarding your comment from Nov 30.
I’m pretty introverted myself and I somehow have friends who mostly aren’t. This guy’s advice is pretty legit. I’ve learned to do what’s being discussed here.
My two cents for handing social situations- just make people talk about themselves.
Extroverts LOVE to talk (about themselves) - just give them a reason and steer the conversation with a question or two once in a while and you will be fine. I do it all the time and it works great.
All you need to get started is to listen and observe the people at the party/event. There’s always an “in” where you get the ball rolling and it does not have to be anything significant at all.
Cheers!
December 19th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Hi Jon. I’d heard of this post in the blogosphere before, but for some reason I never associated with you.
I started my own blog about introverts, mainly because I wanted to help show the world how introverts can compete on a more equal footing with extroverts through the use of social media and Web 2.0 technologies. However, your tips deal with the face-to-face interaction and they are extremely important as well.
Tip #4 - Practice Self-Disclosure: honesty is generally the best policy, but you need to keep in mind that certain types of people will judge you harshly if you’re a little TOO open, particularly in a business setting.
I enjoyed the article!