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Kissing ass, sucking up, brown nosing.
We have lots of terms for trying to make someone like you, almost all of them dirty. It’s seen as a manipulative, shallow, and dishonest.
But damn if it isn’t effective.
If you master the art of charming people, everything becomes easier — making the sale, getting the promotion, keeping your job. You’ll make more money, create more friendships, and feel more secure.
The key is doing it right. Kissing ass has gotten a bad rap because so many people are bad at it. They’re like amateur magicians that the crowd boos because their tricks are obvious.
Unfortunately though, the technique is light on training materials. You can’t take Brown Nosing 101 in college or browse through the Sucking up section at the bookstore.
What we need is a guide for how to kiss ass effectively… which is why I’ve written one.
Ass Doesn’t Taste so Bad
The first step in learning to kiss ass effectively is to get rid of the bad taste in your mouth that comes just from thinking about it. If you’re disgusted by what you’re doing, you’ll never be able to do it well.
What’s so wrong about getting someone to like you? You’ve probably done it to get laid or talk your way out of a speeding ticket. If it works and doesn’t hurt anybody, then why not carry those skills over into business?
After all, most people like having their ass kissed, as long as the one doing the kissing is good at it. I know I do. We all like to be around people that make us feel better about ourselves. It’s only human.
So why feel guilty about it?
You’ve Got to like Asses
You can never become a top-notch ass kisser unless you genuinely like people. All people. Otherwise, they’ll be able to tell that you don’t really mean it, and they’ll hate you for trying to manipulate them.
How does one go about learning to like people?
Part of it is realizing that, whether you like it or not, you’re a lot like everyone else on this planet. You feel the same emotions, make the same mistakes, and have the same desire for people to love you anyway.
Another part is teaching yourself to see the good side of people. Work at it long enough, and you can find something you genuinely like about anyone, even if it’s only their talent for making you hate them.
Either way, if you’re going to kiss someone’s ass, you need to put yourself in the right state of mind. You need to like them, and they need to know it.
Don’t Overdo It
Second to disliking them, the worst mistake you can make when kissing someone’s ass is to overdo it. You want them to like you, so you give a compliment that obviously isn’t true or you shower them with too many compliments in a row.
It doesn’t work because people know when you’re lying.
If you walk in for an interview and immediately start complementing the furniture, family pictures, and everything else you can find, they’ll know what you’re doing, and they’ll know it’s dishonest. No one is that impressed.
Similarly, if your boss drives a piece of junk car, you’d be stupid to try and convince him that it’s the prettiest one you’ve ever seen. Compliment him on his frugality or disregard for what other people think, but don’t lie to him. He’s smarter than that.
The problem with overdoing it is that it insults people’s intelligence. You think you’re making them feel better, but in reality, you’re very sweetly telling them that you think they’re gullible enough to believe your nonsense. Don’t do it.
Instead, just be natural. If you see something you genuinely appreciate, complement it and move on. They’ll appreciate you noticing, even if it’s something simple.
Kissing Ass Takes Practice
The first time you kiss someone’s ass, you’ll probably do it wrong. Worse, since you’ve read this article, you’ll probably know it. You might be embarrassed, trip all over yourself, and feel horrible about how inept you are.
Accept it and move on.
Learning the fine art of ass kissing is like every other skill. It takes practice. The masters of the craft dedicate years to it, honing their skills of observation and delivery. And they make plenty of mistakes.
I recommend practicing on your relatives. Your mom, for instance, is morally obligated to like you, no matter how dishonest you are. Try throwing out a compliment every now and again. Once she gets over the shock, she’ll probably appreciate it, and you’ll get valuable practice.
You should also start with safe complements. Tell someone you like their shoes or their car. Don’t try to be clever. Just spit it out, saying something like “I really like those shoes,” and see what happens.
It takes time, but you’ll get a feel for how people will respond.
Use Your Skills to Your Advantage
Once you feel comfortable with your skills, put them to work to help you make more money. Here are some ideas:
- Find something positive that your company is doing and tip off the press, using yourself as a source
- When a coworker covers for you, send them a thank you note that says, “These days, not many people watch out for each other, and it means a lot that you would cover for me. Thanks for being a great human being.”
- If a customer finds some genuine flaws with your product, tell them it’s the most insightful feedback you’ve heard in months and ask for their permission to pass it on to product development team
- The next time your boss says something smart, ask him or her to repeat it and then write it down
- If your company has an Employee of the Month Program or something like it, make a habit of nominating coworkers you notice doing something good
Do things like these on a regular basis, and you’ll notice that people are a little happier to see you. You might start getting invited to more parties, or people may start making a point to introduce you to other movers and shakers.
In the end, making people like you is no substitute for genuine talent, but it helps give you a chance to display that talent. For instance:
- Your boss will start to pay more attention to you, making it more likely he or she will notice your achievements
- Your coworkers will respond more positively to your ideas, making it more likely they’ll help you implement them
- Your customers will enjoy spending time with you, making it easier for you to get sales appointments
None of those benefits will directly make you more money, but indirectly, they can add up to significant increases in your value to everyone around you. As your value increases, you’ll also have more “ammunition” when you ask for a promotion or raise.
Even more importantly, the higher you go in business, the more important it is for people to like you. The price of stock in publicly traded companies changes dramatically based on how much people like the CEO.
You can never get to that level without becoming a master ass kisser. Like it or not, that’s how the game is played.
If you’re reading this blog, then I already know you’re up to it. You’re one of the few that’s taking a genuine interest in learning the skills necessary to make more money. All by itself, that puts you well ahead of most other people out there.
If there’s anything at all I can do to help you, don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m always interested in talking with people that are rising to the top.
And you, my friend, are one of them.
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November 7th, 2007 at 10:23 am
Okay, I had to comment on this one. This is great!
I despise the overuse of the word “ass” but I can’t deny that everyone knows EXACTLY what/who you’re talking about. The sections “Kissing Ass Takes Practice” and “Using Your Skills to Your Advantage” I find particularly insightful.
November 7th, 2007 at 10:40 am
Thanks, Samantha. I knew using the word “ass” would offend some people, but it got you to comment, so I’m happy.
November 7th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Pfft… it wasn’t the word that got me to comment, it was the subject. (Lest some future reader think that word was key to getting a comment from me.)
100 years ago, when I was a teenage girl, I read in a poll in a teen magazine wherein boys were asked what was the thing they found most attractive in a girl. The number 1 answer was that the girl like him first.
When I got older, I found that people in general are predisposed to think positively about someone if they know that someone thinks positively about them. The reverse is also true: a person tends to feel negatively about someone they know feels negatively about them.
So, how do you show a person that you want to think positively about you (your boss or client, for example) that you think positively about them? Your article touches on just how to do this, with genuine compliments and positive reactions, without overdoing of course. (The advice to practice on your mother was great!)
November 7th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
Wow! Best blog post I EVER read! *kiss kiss!*
Seriously, I thought it was great. I learned a lot of similar and related ideas from reading the 48 Laws of Power, which I thought was a great book.
November 8th, 2007 at 3:34 am
Another great post, you are on fire
(Stumbled)
November 8th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
Headline of the week! — and real, actual, nutrient-filled content to back it up, no wonder you’re gathering such a keen following, Jon!
November 17th, 2007 at 6:43 am
[…] bad at it. They’re like amateur magicians that the crowd boos because their tricks are obvious. Jon Morrow Advertising will get more and more targeted until it disappears, because perfectly targeted […]
November 21st, 2007 at 9:38 am
[…] Shamelessly. Of course, I’m not talking about writing a press release about how you got an A on your term […]
November 25th, 2007 at 9:51 am
Well I loved it, as a matter of fact, each and every post of yours :). How was that for a start huh?… Now it’s the turn of my boss and other colleagues at work.
December 15th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
Good post! A couple books for folks who are seeking more food for thought along the same lines as this post are: “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie and “Micro Messaging: Why Great Leadership is Beyond Words” by Stephen Young.
Keep the posts coming Jon!
-jr
December 29th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
[…] Shamelessly. Of course, I’m not talking about writing a press release about how you got an A on your term […]
January 7th, 2008 at 3:29 am
[…] If you don’t want it the straight way to build relationships then you learn to kiss ass from Jon. […]
January 16th, 2008 at 3:58 am
Thank you Jon,
for I was amongst those who really hated this work…….but after reading your blog i realised it’s importance and got the reason why am i not having many freinds
March 26th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
I am in a new position and just beginning to work my way around politically within the structure where I work. Thanks for the good tips. I have a very keen intuition and even though I can identify the shit starters, I want to always have a leg up on them. Thanks.
I remember the old but true adage” Keep your friends close but your enemies closer!”
Its important to remember that becuase they are everywhere!
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:48 am
Ass kissing don’t hurt anybody? What World do you live in moron? Ass kissing undermines hard work and people who have been taught and learned to have integrity. Hard work and dedication should be ALL you need to get a head in life, but ASS kissers like yourself make it difficult and thus society slowly looses its revere for integrity and honestly and other valuable attributes. Ass kissing is a shortcut and a short grave for the rest of the World. You have obviously been stricken by the disease called “stupidity” and I have the cure for your dumb ass!
June 27th, 2008 at 11:06 am
In response to GB, I agree somewhat with what you’re saying. However in business, to get noticed for the hard work you’re putting in, you have to brown nose a little. Don’t be quick to give your boss(es) too much credit with noticing hard work - most are too focused on the next meeting, the next deadline, etc., and fail to see the value of their staff (that’s everywhere!). It should be pointed out in this article, that ass-kissing only gets you so far - you have to back that up with real talent and skill if you want to continue forward. Good luck to all of you!